Alabama
“I’ll a bam ya if you call me
a ‘hick’ even ten more times!”

Alaska
From “All-last-ka”, since it was the last state
that we stole from the Indians.
We would have taken it sooner,
but we didn’t know it was full of oil and gold.

Arizona
Perhaps from the O’odham
Indian word for “little spring”,
since it is summer there all year long,
kind of like being in the twilight “arid zone”.

Arkansas
“Arked we still in Kansas?”
“No, Dorothy, not anymore,
ever since the flood.”

California
Cal-I-fornicate;
a loose state with few clothes;
looser still after the next earthquake;
best to take out no-fault insurance.

Colorado
From the color “ado”, meaning
“much ado about ruddy or red”.

Connecticut
A paradoxical state,
since first they “Connect”,
then “I-cut.”
What’s it going to be, guys?

Delaware
Named for Sir Thomas West (huh?),
Baron De La Warr (oh).
I was not even aware of Del,
nor of the state, since it is so small.

Florida
“Where’s the floor, Ida?”
“Um, it’s under sea level now.”

Georgia
In honor of George II of England,
for he was a cross-dresser, I suppose.

Hawaii
“How are ye?” (meaning ‘Aloha’).
Quiz: what state is an island?
Nope, wrong;
the answer is “Rhode Island”.

Idaho
This is an embarrassing state for women:
“I da ho”.

Illinois
“Ill-noise” or Algonquin
for the “tribe of superior men”,
this being the same thing.

Indiana
Meaning “land of Indians”,
or for a friendly squaw
endearingly known as “In-Diana”.

Iowa
“I owe ya… something; well, forget it.”
Or from the Iowa River, which was named after Iowa.

Kansas
From a Sioux word meaning
“people of the south wind” or “Kans-asses”.

Kentucky
From an Iroquoian word “Ken-tah-ten”,
meaning “land of tomorrow”,
for it is still a very backward place.

Louisiana
In honor of Louis XIV of France
and his secret lover, Anna.

Maine
First used to distinguish the mainland
from the offshore islands. Not very funny.

Maryland
In honor of Henrietta Maria
(queen of Charles I of England).
No gay marriages are allowed here,
nor any practicing of marriage without a license.

Massachusetts
A sneeze in Catholic church.

Michigan
From the Indian word “Michigana”,
meaning “great or large lake”.
Or, after Mitch, who began the state.
It’s not finished yet, either,
for it is the only state still in two pieces.

Minnesota
From a Dakota Indian word
meaning “sky-tinted water”,
or a “small soda”.

Mississippi
Named after Mrs. Zippi.

Missouri
Named after Miss Youri.

Montana
Named long before Hannah Montana.

Nebraska
From an Oto Indian word meaning
“flat water” or “utter wasteland”.

Nevada
Spanish: “snow-capped”.
Casino odds: handicapped.

New Hampshire
From the old, old, really old
English county of Hampshire. Really.

New Jersey
They always buy and wear new sports jerseys.

New Mexico
New “place of Mexitli,”
an Aztec god or leader who snuck across the border.

New York
In honor of the Duke of York’s new playground.

North Carolina
In honor of Charles I of England’s
wife “Carol” and his girlfriend “Lina”.

North Dakota
From the Sioux tribe, meaning “Da cold, no?”.

Ohio
From an Iroquoian word meaning “great river”.
It is not high in the middle and round at both ends,
but is totally flat.

Oklahoma
From two Choctaw Indian words
meaning “Okla’s homa tonight”.

Oregon
Unknown, but all the ore is a-gone now.

Pennsylvania
“Pencil-Vania”, in honor of Sylvania,
who invented the first pencil,
or, in honor of Adm. Sir William Penn,
father of William Penn,
who invented the first pen
somewhere out in “Penn’s Woodland”.

Penn State
Name has been changed to State Penn.

Rhode Island
From the Greek Island of Rhodes.
It is not an island, but Hawaii is.

South Carolina
In honor of Charles I of England
and the more southern parts of Carol and Lina.

South Dakota
From the Sioux tribe, meaning
“We don’t get along with North Dakota”
or “so, da cold?”

Tennessee
Where one can see the best tennis players.

Texas
Stolen from Mexico,
but now it seems as they’re taking it back, Tex.

Utah
From “You tall as a mountain”,
or, you of certain sect
need 12 teenaged wives for certain sex.

Vermont
From the French “vert mont,”
meaning a “green mountain”, of maple syrup.

Virginia
In honor of Elizabeth, “Virgin Queen” of England.
They may check you at the border
when you enter to see if you have been entered.
Then you may live happily thereafter, in Virginia,
but your wife may get jealous.

Washington
In honor of George “Washing a ton of clothes full of dirt”.
He slept around a lot in any old place, it seems.

West Virginia
In honor of Elizabeth, “Virgin Queen” of England’s
western, untouched regions.
Note: East Virginia blew away in a hurricane.

Wisconsin
French corruption of an Indian word whose meaning is disputed, possibly meaning “Wish you’d come and sin”.

Wyoming
From the Delaware Indian word,
meaning “mountains and valleys alternating”;
the same as the Wyoming Valley in Pennsylvania.
“Why, oh Ming, did you not stay in Pennsylvania?”
“It wasn’t even worth a penny.”

U.S. Virgin Islands
No one lives there anymore;
all have been disqualified.

Marriage
A state of confusion.

District of Columbia (DC)
A state of confusion.

Ontario
A suburb of the U.S.

Newfoundland
Not new anymore, for the rest of Canada was much newer.
Named after a new found land.
Was recently blown away by hurricane Igor.

Quebec
Actually a part of France.

Alberta
Named after King Albert,
who was also a Queen.

Yukon
Can’t say “Yuck on this place!”
or my friend, Scheherazade, might get mad.

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